Imminently Dying

I've lost track of time but I think it was 36 hours ago, Janette's blood pressure spiked and nothing would bring it down. We thought she would have a stroke, an embolism, a heart attack or simply die. She did none of the above. After three hours, she rolled on her side and went back to sleep. Her blood pressure returned to a tolerable high, 180/88 by the next morning, but she did not return to her old self. She focused on this world only when we or her body intruded on her.

Yesterday evening, she had an hour and a half long series of tremors, mini seizures. She was given medication, but I think they only went away on their own. She's had a couple more episodes of small seizures since then. Each hour she is less responsive to outside stimulus. The first night, every family member in town came over and stayed by her bedside on and off all night. I went to sleep when Janette went to sleep to be rested for the next day. Last night, everyone slept someplace in the house in preparation for her leaving us then.

Uncle Dud, Aunt Missy and Clark drove in Saturday night. Janette had been slowing declining from lack of food and drink and cancer, but still much as she had been when I last wrote. Charles Eric also flew in that night. William came over at 3am for the blood pressure crisis. Wendy and Aunt Eliska have been here all along.

First crisis night, she made two jokes in response to us all standing around her bed smiling at her. Yesterday morning, she opened her eyes and looked at me sitting by her bed. I said, "hi," and she gave me a "hi" back. Her eyes drifted closed and she went back to sleep. Around 3:30 yesterday afternoon, she tried to work with the nurse giving her a sponge bath and changing her pajamas. Those are the last interactions with her reaching out to make contact with us that I know about. Now she reacts to us, but it seems more from the place where she rather be left alone.

We were keeping one or two of us (and the nurse) in the room with her all the time. Last night, we had the sense we were crowding her, so we left her in peace (with the nurse) all night. Today, she had no reaction when the nurse, nurse supervisor and I were whispering together in her room for a half hour. So, we'll probably spend more time with her today. We are all very aware of how much she likes to be left alone when she's not feeling well. Now there's the extra irritation potential of pulling her back into this world when she's trying to learn how to be in the next.

We have been thinking for 36 hours that she could go at anytime. Annie, nurse supervisor, volunteered her guess of 48-72 hours, highly qualified with everyone is different and we can't truly predict.

Janette seems comfortable from all perspectives. She was never in pain, except for a headache with the blood pressure spike and that went away with the morphine. She does not act as if she's in pain now. And the Hospice nurses' main focus is keep her comfortable and pain free.

She didn't really want visitors before, except she asked when her siblings were coming, and we won't be allowing any visits, now. You can talk with her from inside yourself from wherever you're at. I'm sure some part of her will hear you and may even answer. Say your good-bye's and last words in this way, maybe it will help her in moving on.

My focus has been with my mother these last five days. Moving out of it to write this blog and interact with you is not easy for me. I will not post again until she dies. I will try to call some folks and ask some to call other folks but I will pass that message on to many of you by posting here. Here I am abdicating this one social responsibility: I will not be calling all Janette's closer friends to tell you she is gone. It will be time for me to stop being the caretaker, advocate, organizer and communicator and finally be just a grieving daughter.